


Mamihlapinatapei

by Davechicken



Series: The Pilot and his Knight [41]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 18:05:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7767844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The look between two people in which each loves the other but is too afraid to make the first move.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mamihlapinatapei

Jedi don’t love _(but oh, does he want to)_

Jedi don’t desire _(but his blood says otherwise)_

Jedi don’t form attachments _(tell that to his family)_

Jedi don’t put themselves first _(he would die for this boy)_

Ben knows he can’t. He knows. He knows the weird little twist in his stomach whenever he hears ‘Poe’ (even if it becomes another word, like Poe-sition, Poe-se, Poe-uring down…) is not right. He’s not right. He’s so very, very wrong inside.

Hormones. They say your hormones kick in for a while and the biological urge to settle down (hah, they couldn’t have kids together even if they tried) and reproduce fades after a while.

Ben is sure it’s more than that. Ben doesn’t really _want_ kids. He’s still one himself, and he’s also not so sure he wants to do - well. The thing that leads to kids. Maybe, but maybe not. But he knows he’s madly in love, and no amount of ‘aww, puppy love’ or ‘you’ll grow out of it’ helps make sense of the way he feels around the other boy.

The way his slightest attempt at calm, at meditation, is disrupted the moment he remembers bright eyes and a laughter of dark hair. Grubby hands held as they run through the trees. The way he sounds when he talks about flying.

It used to be fine, to just be… best friends. Even if they didn’t make sense, really, to anyone else. Their injokes and little secrets and the way they could just sit for hours in silence, and not feel like it was bad. The way they could talk non-stop for three hours after saying nothing all day. The way they just - fit. 

It had been fine, but now it is ‘weird’ and Ben… Ben…

Sees Poe looking, too. His best friend. Shooting up under floods of justifying chemicals floating through his system. A voice that creaks when it laughs, and eyes that move away when he catches them looking. He’s sure he does the same thing, too.

He knows. And he can’t say it, either.

_They’re going to be in so much trouble._

Jedi aren’t supposed to _love_.

_(Ben does anyway.)_


End file.
